Fireworks sucked into a cyclone
My brain in 2025
I’ve had so many ideas for essays lately, like fireworks bursting hot and bright over my mind — but after a few paragraphs, the cyclone sucks them in. Really, it’s more like sparklers dropped into a bog, replete with a high fizzing sound as they’re snuffed out by that vast, thick mulch-pad of nothingness.
I start the essay, get going, and then I lose the thread. I guess this is that attention span deficit I keep reading about, but I think it’s probably a little more sinister than that.
There comes a point with everything where you realize it’s pointless, I guess. Then you go even darker: everything is pointless.
Then you go brighter: Everything is pointless! Whee! Isn’t that freeing? Isn’t it kind of wonderful? The word POINTLESS lights up technicolor-cotton-candy-blue-and-pink before the cyclone rolls in again.
In the bog, I say calm, adult things to myself like, we are adjusting our expectations, remember? and time for a brisk walk in the cold and a nice cup of tea.
The thing is to run and put your boots on immediately before you can talk yourself out of it.
The thing is to put the kettle on right when you get home, before you can talk yourself out of it.
The thing is to write-eat-dance-sleep-laugh-jump before your brain knows you’re doing it.
The thing is to appreciate the beauty of everyone and everything and trick your brain out of thinking about what will happen to them.
The thing is to turn off your brain sometimes! There are plenty of other things to do.
I am meditating. I am eating right. I am keeping up with my physical therapy. I am injecting insulin under my subcutaneous layer at various intervals to keep myself alive. I am working and I am accompanying my children to an inordinate cornucopia of concerts and performances, which, honestly, thank god for the blur of it all.
I crave the dark of my bed, but too much quiet isn’t necessarily good for me right now.
I am reaching out to friends and getting more involved in my community, and — marvel of most glittering marvels — I am writing my book again. From a place of curiosity and play, even.
Amazingly, in this moment of all moments, I’ve found the ability to enjoy the writing in and of itself again. I’m writing just to write. Funny how when you’ve kind of given up on the future, you don’t worry so much about it.
You stop paying rent there, a little bit. Which is nice. Everything is pointless, but also everything is pointless!
Silver linings abound, just don’t let your brain ruminate on the gathering clouds.
Anyway. I’m still here and it looks like you’ve made it this far as well. Rather than leaving this essay unfinished in the bog with the others, I thought I’d share a few recent silver linings with you.
Small things I’m grateful for, in no particular order:
Having a kid who’s still little enough to doodle all over our milk cartons every morning.
My wee ankles.
My ability to spot shit. I didn’t always have this. I used to think everything was gold, except maybe sometimes gold.
Not having to be up all night with tiny kids anymore.
Medium things I’m grateful for: Books! They are so good right now, and they just keep getting better
For me, the golden age of books began around 2019, and it’s been a non-stop climb since then.
I’ve always been a reader, and I’ve always found books to love. But the voices have gotten so much richer and truer in recent years. In a time when it feels like everything else has gone to shit, each year’s best book has beaten out the best book of the year before it.
There’s a lot to panic about in publishing right now, don’t get me wrong. Like everything, the industry is consolidated to the point of compaction. Publishing houses have trimmed so much fat that they’re now excising muscle, bone, and sometimes even essential organs. Agents and editors are beyond burned out. Non-white writers still face far too many hurdles, and we readers are being robbed of their voices.
There’s a lot of big things going wrong. There’s a lot to freak out about.
But it doesn’t feel like that when I wander the stacks of my local bookstore or library. It feels like heaven, being surrounded by all of the stories you can read now.
I’ve written about this before, but there’s also this magical alchemy of aging that’s made me so much better at picking books I’ll love. Every book I read in 2024 ended up being a 4 or 5-star rating for me.
My top five books of 2024:
Yellowface by R.F. Kuang
Sandwich by Catherine Newman
How to End a Love Story by Yulin Kuang
The Ministry of Time by Kailane Bradley
Intermezzo by Sally Rooney
A very big thing: Thank you, Dr. King. You deserved so much better.
On today of all days, I’m grateful I had some quiet time to reflect on Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s bravery and the impact his life continues to have on his fellow Americans, including me.
Dr. King is the only American leader I focused my attention on today; that very real, very young man who was murdered when my parents were in their teens, not so long ago at all, not even half a grandma ago, really.
With a beautiful young family, and a rich community of friends and so many important plans ahead of him, Dr. King had so much to lose, and he knew exactly what he was risking speaking up for what mattered.
He should have had so much more time here. He might even still be alive today. He was robbed and we were robbed and they’re still robbing us today, but they can’t have everything.
My goal for 2025 is to focus, as much as I can, on what I want to grow. Not to get caught up in the circus-churn of encroaching fascism and the ensuing cycle of powerlessness, but to focus in on the things that matter to me, and to work on them.
No matter how much control these technogarchic grifter fucks usurp, I still have the choice of where to put my attention, and they’re not getting any of it.
Thank you for your precious attention today, and for everything you do to build community and support each other.
Love, Shawna
Thank you, Shawna. I love the idea of sharing before your thoughts have time to get sucked up in the cyclone! Also, thank you for always recommending amazing books!!